Love lost is Sanity gained?
So I have sat here for the last few days pondering my options. My life, it seems, sucks. My business sucks, my love life sucks, the only thing remotely good is my daughter and even she is having issues in school.
What are my options? Move on. I could, what for though? Move backward, why? Move forward, as if that would matter.
Seems the decisions I have made in my life have effected my current well being. Maybe it is Karma from my younger days, you know, the younger days that no one I know currently knows about or will ever know about. Maybe it is my little ‘friend’ (long story) playing his old tricks on me. Maybe I am just not worthy of someone capable of loving me the way I need to be loved. Maybe the way I need to be loved, no one can love me.
So I sit back and think of the options I have. Which none of them make sense. I gave away my heart, although I lost something more. I lost something that makes you feel. I think I feel nothing. Maybe I have nothing to feel. Maybe I am just numb to the world around and I just don’t care anymore.
My mother says there is no way I was meant to be single. Well, I am. And there is no sign of that changing any time soon. And I am not sure I am ok with that. I’m not desperate. Desperate people will stop at nothing to get what they want. I am not desperate to be in a relationship.
I just want to be wanted and loved in ‘that’ way. My family can’t provide that, my daughter can’t. Only someone that wants to can. And no one wants to. So I guess I will just stay numb and if I’m not actually numb, I guess I will just feel nothing like I do.
Sanity gained? No. Just a whole lot of nothing and the realization that I am not worthy of love. Or my karma has come around on me.
