Pride
Pride is what makes us believe we are right when all the world knows we are wrong. Pride is the quintessential piece of anyone’s life that allows them to act like an idiot even when they have all the right words and knowledge to save a failing situation.
Pride is the reason I am alone.
I am too proud to be wrong. I am too proud to accept an apology. I realize I am too proud to feel anything.
All my life I was trained to block out fear, pain and laughter. I have used that training to block out feeling of any type any time someone gets too close or too personal to me.
All that I am, all that I ever was is there in her perfect eyes, they are all I can see.
I think about the smells, I dream of her touch and all I can imagine is the black hole that separated us.
I know I am not to blame and I know I did not force her into his bed, although was it my place to not forgive her?
I have closed so many doors, yet one keeps reopening in my heart and no matter how much I close it and the strength I put behind it to keep it closed, I have failed horribly at not thinking about her in every minute of every day.
Why?
Life it seems is not over for me yet. I must have something more to do. My Mother insists I am here for a purpose. Maybe that has something to do with all the times I should have died, starting at three years old. And before that, my mother not even supposed to have been able to give birth to me.
I am entangled in this spiritual web and no matter how close I come to dying I have not, can not, and now, I believe I will not.
Why?
Is it that I must learn the true meaning of pride? Maybe I have yet to learned to be humble.
Maybe I have the answers stuck inside me some where yet I am too prideful to retrieve them. Maybe I just don’t know how.
There was a time in my life, about a three week span when I felt completed. I felt like I had the answers, I was not too prideful and I felt. I felt more in those three weeks than I had in my entire lifetime. Then it ended. Horribly.
Why?
I have the answer to that question, although it makes less and less sense every time I answer it for myself.
Why I am here? Why are you there? I am still trying to understand what really happened. And why there can be no mending, no forgiveness, no forever happy.
Why?
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April 21st, 2009 at 6:50 pm
I feel your pain. I’ve asked myself that question many times. Why am I here? What is my purpose? I still don’t know the answer, I have a hunch, but not enough data to back it.
But, about affairs of the heart. I too have been horribly hurt in the past, by those who said they loved me. I am not here to compare, just to share you are not alone. I can say from experience, that the only way to love is with an open heart. You can not love with a closed heart, or a partially closed heart. If you do, your fooling yourself and doing a terrible disservice to the one receiving it.
Even after a couple failed marriages and failed relationships, I still jumped in with both feet. And if I hadn’t, if I didn’t allow myself to feel, to be vulnerable, I would have never found my lovely wife now. The woman I will grow old with, and spend my last dying days with.
I ask myself, why did I have to endure all these hardships, things that no person should have to feel and go through. It’s because it was the path to my true love, and even if I could go back a change time to erase those horrible moments, I wouldn’t, because I would then erase the happiness I now have.
April 22nd, 2009 at 10:00 pm
Did you write that? Kind letting it all hang out there huh? IN the industry you and I are in when they see you have a weakness they take advantage you, you know the assholes I am talking about, did you really want these people to see this side of you?
Anyway, it’s a a very good “human” piece - thanks for sharing
April 26th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
I am nothing if I am not honest.