Love and Dying and Back
From love we can feel death. The slow overtaking feeling that the one you love could leave or decide not to love, the encompassing thought of the unknown, the belief that all will end when the love is no more and the emptiness consumes.
Through my life I have believed in love, believed in the magic that surrounds and the mystery of what happens when you have love and feel it in a place that no words describe and no illustration can depict.
I have felt the underbelly of loneliness, played with the children of the dark, even entered in to the dark society of hatred. I have felt the emptiness that follows the bliss and I have even embraced the dark hardened core of my heart.
I thought I was done, I knew I was finished. Although what we know and feel has a funny way of playing games in our darkest emotions only to realize we are not done, and as often and true as we try we are children of love and that love will never escape the darkest desires to be alone and in never ending solitude.
Through this past week I have been to both sides and back again. Feeling the love in my soul to having it ripped out only to learn a hard lesson which involved more love than less love then no love. I am the subject of my ramblings today, as I believe to the core of my soul, I have learned my greatest lesson. There are no absolutes. No matter how we, or I may try to halt the love and the thoughts I have about her. She has never escaped my mind. She has never been lost from my thoughts. She has never been… gone.
I sit here now and write the realizations of my heart and think of the future with cautious carelessness. I think of the past and the road that brought me to this present. I think of the influences, the loves, the losses, the dreams, the crushed memories and all the hurt I still harness inside to fuel my disbelief and sadness moving toward tomorrow. I dream of the day when the confusion can end, the laughter can resume, the void filled and the emptiness captured and run off to the asylum from where it belongs.
I am the thought of tomorrow. The dream of yesterday. And for the moment I am filled with an enthusiastic smile that will take me to her and remember I am in love with her and she is in love with me and for the moment I halt my sore misery and saddness from wandering the planks of the unknown and stopping my horrible thoughts from entering my well trained mind, heart and let my soul be free in what is her love, dreams and let her complete me without hesitation.
I am in Love with her and I am unable and more importantly unwilling to change that.
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