What if I told you I would give you the world?

What if I told you, you are my world?

What if I told you I wanted forever?

What if I told you the truth?

What if I told you the reality?

What if I told you I was worried sick?

What if I told you I feel helpless?

What if I told you I was going crazy?

What if…

At this hour, all I have are the what ifs…

Pinch me, I am dreaming,
Look at me, I am beaming.

My heart is a budding flower,
My mind is filled with power.

I have returned from the edge,
And my love I will forever pledge.

Take my heart today,
Take off and run away.

My heart is free from death,
And now I live each breath….

With you.

In the beginning I knew,
Love was all I had and you were all I needed.

The signs were there,
I would get hurt, don’t do it, I didn’t heed them.

I knew from the start,
When fell head over heals, my dreams you would take.

Now I have my life, nothing more,
I still love you yet tomorrow is so distant, happiness I fake.

I am but a memory of who I was,
You know who I am, who I was and what you caused me to be.

I think of you often, I can’t stop,
You are all I ever needed and all I ever had, and I still can’t see.

You are the reason of my pain, the hurt,
I am forever in your debt because of you I know how what love is.

You are the reason I am grateful,
I forever blinded by what could have been and why I am this.

You were the one, the only one,
Yet I was not enough, I was not the one, I am dead inside.

You showed me the light and truth,
And I am thankful for the time and truth, I hold my head high with pride.

I know there is love inside me, I feel it everyday.
I feel it in the pain I have when I breathe.
I see it when I look in the mirror and see my empty eyes.
I hear it in the night when I lay awake with no one to comfort me from my past.

I know there is love inside me, it is what kills me a little more each day.

So many words, so many tears, so many broken promises,
Yet in a word it is all wrong.
Just wrong.

I thought I would type a poem about being wrong and have some artistic way to say I was wrong and that I know I will never out live the sorrow I have caused. Although through writing I understand that as my brain closes down and allows my mind control of my fingers tapping on the keyboard there is no art in wrong. It is just wrong. It is not artistic and there is no way to cover up the hurt and pain I feel about it.

There are so many questions I would ask and so answers I would seek to questions I have not even thought yet, if there was time. Although I know tie is an illusion and the time we have left here just prepares us for the next time and nets experience.

I am not a person to linger and I am not a person to plan too much, although I will say I never planned for this. I never planned to grow old alone.

I guess this is what I deserve though.

Inside my soul is a burning desire as I grow old,
A burning to know her name to feel her soul next to mine.

As I finish out the days I have left I know,
She is there and somehow we missed and never connected.

All I wish for now is her happiness and all the love,
It is too late for me and there is no happy ending.

Just an end for an old poor fool with a hole in his chest,
Dying from the inside out with nothing left to give or forget.

I am the wave of feeling I though I could have,
I am the dream that was that now could never be,
I am all that I am.

I am the love that surrounds you then disappears so suddenly,
With visions of my future I realize I am not capable of love,
I am all that I have been.

With my past lingering so close and the fear of all that I have left,
I recoil and twist the latch to lock tight all that I could be,
I am all that I was.

Run while you can my future is complete and set in the history books,
I have lived all that I am allowed and I will never know love,
I am all that I am.

Life rolls on and I feel the wave of panic rush over my heart.
Have I grown too old to love have I used all the love in my earlier years.
Life it seems has really passed me by.

I used to dream of loving you and holding you every second of the day.
Now I dream of my end and where I will be, wondering how much longer I have.
Life, my eternal punishment.

I used to have so many ways to make you happy, although you never had the time.
Now I think of our conversations as another way you choose to use me while I whither further away.
My life has been a joke with laughter for all that know me.

I used have a pain deep in my soul wanting and yearning to be closer to you.
Now I wonder how much of your attention I really have and if I am the only one.
Although in my life it just doesn’t matter anymore.

I used to worry about you non-stop wanting to be the one to take care of you.
Now I realize you are the one that needs to take care of you, you are incapable of letting anyone in.
Now in my maturity I realize it was a futile effort because I never held any keys for your invisible lock.

I used to want to just stop, forget the world and even if for a moment and let it be you and I.
Now I look back at how foolish I was and realize what I wanted was just foolishness and I needed to grow up.
Seems in this life, I have grown up and now feel nothing, is that what growing up is all about?

I used to, now I don’t. I forgot how. Love left, pain consumed. And this adult is all that is left behind.

For years I have waited,
While you have thought and debated.

Now here we are standing in place,
I am no longer that person in this space.

I cannot and will not fall again,
And you will not have what you had then.

What if our love was still here,
What if is all I have left I fear.

You are still afraid to show,
The things that I already know.

And because of that you will never be,
That which you want and wish you could see.

I love you now like I loved you then,
Although love is no longer blinding.

I know the last line didn’t rhyme,
Although I think its about the right moment.

To change the tomorrow that was,
and begin a new path in a different direction.

My life will never be what I dreamed,
I know that now without death or Him by my side.

I cursed my happiness away and blew any chance,
I had at being happy and living in the moment.

For every moment I live is one less you have,
And I will soon out live you and I will still be here.

Standing in this place,
wishing for more on glance at your face.

Thought I would never see you again,
I thought it was the end.

I thought you were through with my foolishness,
Yet all I can feel in my dreams is your simple kiss.

You said you didn’t need me,
And that must be true I see.

Although we are here now without a reason why,
And how I wish I knew how to cry.

I wish it would rain like Phil Collins cries,
In the song, although all I have are empty sighs.

Feeling left my life so long ago,
When the fear and pain were my only show.

I learned to be the rock and just not care,
No matter how big the hole in my heart will tear.

I wish it would rain, I really wish it would pour,
Maybe I can hide my feelings and my heart wouldn’t be so sore.

I dream one day I will pull through,
Although I have no idea how I will do that without you.

I know it is for the better and I am the one that ended it,
Although now all I do is ponder what could have been and sit.

I have a hole in my chest a mile wide,
And all that is left for me to do is die.